Thursday, October 4, 2018

Yup, I Freaked The F//k Out!

That's a nice way of putting it really. I'm going to be completely vulnerable with you all because I like you, and I didn't start this instagram and blog to be a distant person who looks like her life is perfectly in order! Maybe you'll read this and feel really good about yourself. Or, maybe you'll read it and feel less alone. I'm totally down for either one. Bottom line is, I feel a tug on my heart to share with you how I freaked out yesterday.

I woke up late due to my sweet baby girl sleeping in and the fact that I was up until the wee hours of the morning getting things done (preparing for work and doing laundry amongst other things). I try not to stay up late, but sometimes it's the ONLY time I have to get things done. I had 10 minutes to finish helping my bigger 3 kids get ready for school and then we rushed out the door. I've tried to teach them to do more for themselves in the morning because I have a needy baby who can't make herself a bottle or get herself dressed. Some days my bigger kids do well with making their own breakfast, getting dressed and ready, and packing some of their lunch. Other days they do terribly. This was one of those days. We were a mess but we made it out the door in ok time.

As I'm driving down the road headed to school, I get pulled over by a not so nice police officer. He had a field day with me... outdated insurance card, no license plate on the front of the car, old address on my license, and speeding. He was very happy with all of his findings and I was already at my wits end. I just cried. I tried not to. It happened. He handed me my ticket and left quickly. Smart guy. The kids were all very quiet (never happens) as I drove down the road sobbing my face off. I tried to talk positive to myself like I usually do, but it was NOT working. I tried praying... it just made me more mad. I wanted to just keep driving away... very far and not come back.

Let me back track a tad. Just the night before I had a long night of teaching at the studio, I hadn't eaten enough and I felt drained (this was before I stayed up until 2am getting stuff done) and I told my husband I felt myself starting to feel overwhelmed and discouraged.  I'm naturally such a positive person that sometimes I tend to overlook or ignore the negative, focus on the positive, and then the negative gathers up and makes a group effort to bite me in the rear! I was feeling a break down coming. I was starting to feel like I was drowning. He listened... I know he can relate. He owns his own business and our income is extremely unpredictable. It's hard to live in that headspace all the time. Not knowing if you'll get what you need or not. God has always provided, but the more our family has grown, the more weight I feel. I also feel out of control because I feel I can't work enough hours to feel like I'm contributing "enough". This is of course my mind getting away with me because I stay at home with my 1yr old and then work in the evenings. I'm working. I just hate that I can't help MORE.

Anyways, back to sobbing in the car... I called my husband and flipped out. I was sobbing and yelling... total cry for help. But thats just it... I need help. I can't get all four of my kids up and ready every morning in addition to staying up to late to get things done. I need my husbands help, I need my kids help. I need to tell them this or they will have a very overwhelmed emotional mother/wife to deal with! I think I try to take on the world sometimes. I want to do all the things and make everyone happy and man, I just CANT. I need to ask for help and I need to learn to say "no" to things! Why is that so hard?

Why am I telling you all this? I started to explain, but I'll expand. Theres a few reasons. The first one, I want you all to know I'm not perfect, my kids aren't perfect, and I freak out like everyone else! Just because my instagram is a highlight reel of me and my kids doesn't mean theres not ugly hard things happening in the background. The second reason, I want to remind you it's ok. Maybe you're not like me and you're pretty good at letting yourself freak out or get emotional or be negative every now and then. I'm NOT good at this. Being positive is wonderful, and choosing joy is lovely, but people lets be REAL! You cannot ignore the sad, the hurt, the bad, the frustrating, the anxiety... it's there and coping with it sometimes means acknowledging its there and talking about how you feel and why it's affecting you. I struggle with being overly positive and end up pushing the "bad" thoughts aside. They WILL come back and I need to get better at being vulnerable and letting myself go there. I need to let people be there for me in those times. Sometimes I do, but typically that is a struggle for me. If this is are not alone! DM me! Email me! Lets have a cup of coffee together (even if it's a virtual one)! I love connecting with you all. It's why I started doing this and it makes my heart so so happy.

My last thought on freaking out... I'm learning that it's good for my kids to see it. I'm serious. I don't think creating this picture perfect have-It-all-together image for our kids is super healthy. It's not like that's the goal, I think it can happen if I'm not careful to be vulnerable around them. I want my kids to know its ok to cry. It's ok to freak out sometimes and be vulnerable. I want them to see me for who I am. I want them to see me freak out and reach out to a man that loves me even at my worst. How will they know if they don't see it? I will say things I regret just like everyone else, and I will apologize just like everyone else. I will be unhappy sometimes and cry and I'll laugh with joy when I'm happy. The people who love me will love me regardless of my emotions and as I get older I have a strong desire for my kids to see that authenticity, not perfection. My daughter (who's 13) said to me the other day, "Mom, it makes me super uncomfortable when people come up to me and say 'Oh my gosh your family is so perfect!' We aren't perfect! We aren't better than anyone else." It made me really think again on how deceiving images we put out can be and I was glad it bothered her. It should! I love my pretty feed to look back on and save beautiful moments, but we are so much more than that! I am human, so are my kids, and my husband!

I try to be real without being a debbie downer or sounding super sorry for myself because I know there are others who are truly suffering horrible things. No matter where you're at today. I just want you to know you're not alone. I actually care and would love to hear from you! I say that with the deepest sincerity. Share with me your thoughts, advice, whatever... I welcome it all! xoxo

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