This year has proven to be physically and emotionally, one of THE most challenging I've ever experienced (click here and here to read more on that). The hard parts, however, have shown me how loved and supported I really am. My husband being top on my list. He's not only taken a front seat and watched me first hand, he's jumped in whole heartedly in a way that's shown me a whole new side of him. My surgeries have been an opportunity to see how much my husband really cares for me. I knew he loved me, but to see and feel a love so deep, has only pointed me to my savior with a heart full of gratefulness. Not only for him, but my other family and friends who've stepped up to care for me, come beside me, regularly check in on me, and who weren't afraid to see me at my worst. I've been practically cared for with meals, gifts, visits, laughter, and also I know I've been cared for in many prayers. This year has changed me. I've tasted a small hint of how fragile life is. How the end is so very near. Every moment I've had with my husband, and my kids I've treasured in a whole new way. Something we all say we want, but until you experience that threat of it all being taken away, its so hard to really do it. I'm not saying I'm perfect now at all in the way I treat my kids on the daily! I still yell at them and can get upset about the dumbest stuff. But I'm quicker to see that they're "dumb stuff" more now than I ever did before. Death is such a negative, bad, scary word. Just looking at it on the screen gives me this tiny, sinking, out of control, even a little angry, type of feeling. But for the first time, for me personally, its so very real and close. Not some far away, worry about it later, act like it'll never happen type of thing. Therefore, it's shaped my life in a way that gives everything more life and value. I look at my husband in a completely different way. I treasure him like I never could before. He's bathed me, cleaned me up, he's seen things... ugly, awful, scary things. The things he's had to do for me, I wonder if I could for him. He's challenged me to love harder and freer. Even my children have jumped in at such a young age to show their care and love for me. They still pray for my healing every single night all on their own. It's mind blowing, and yet its all real. It's the biggest gift and totally worth all of the scary, painful, scarring, discusting things I've had to go through. I wouldn't dream of going back, not even for a second.
In light of all that's happened this year, I think I have more new years resolutions than ever before haha. I'm writing them down so that I can come back to this to keep myself in check. Just a little reminder.
1. I want to keep loving harder. That includes my family, my friends, and anyone else that comes into my life. I want to love people more in prayer and in practical ways. I want to reciprocate the love I've felt over this past year. I want to be someone who loves like Jesus does. No judgements. No strings attached.
2. I want to date more. My husband obviously is at the top of that list, but I also want to make time to date my three small ones. I feel like I do an ok job of that with Nyah, but the boys don't get dates with mommy and that needs to change STAT! Time is so precious and with two out of three in school full time already, I need to start getting in the habit of slotting out time to stay close to them.
3. I want to spend more time in the word. I've SO been slacking in this area, but I truly want to change that. I need God's word to equip me and I want to know him more. I miss it and so need to be reminded of truth!
4. I want to take better care of my body. I started doing really well with this last year and very slowly have crept back into old habits. Totally normal, I feel like most people have to reset over and over. I'm going to focus on staying active (teaching dance and a barre class is a start), but also I'll be starting another round of whole30 tomorrow! So hard, but it was so worth it the first time I did it. So here we go again. This time Neil is going to see how long he lasts with me! Never thought that day would come :)
5. I'd love to keep tackling debt! With hospital bills now adding onto what we already had... it got real! I want to find a balance of saying "no" to certain things to save money to keep putting a dent in our debt, but also want to live life with my favorite people! I think we've done pretty well with this, but I want to get better organized and make sure we are still making room to help others with our money as well.
I think that's it! I seriously have never had a list to even write. Normally I think of one thing I want to tackle in the new year, but all 4 of these areas have flooded my mind and I don't want to forget or focus only on one. They are goals of course, and really just directions I want to try and stay focused on, so I'm sure I'll have to come back to this list and make sure I'm still paying attention to these things.
Thank you to those who've been on this journey with me and have written me such loving comments in support of all I've been through. You have no idea how much it means to me and to know that it's provoked some of you to look into your family history has truly made me being open about everything that's happened so worth it! If you ever have questions you can email me! I'm no doctor, but I'm totally open to sharing anything that might help or give you direction. I'm thankful for this past year and all the new, amazing people I've met! Hope you all have a blessed New Year and that 2015 brings many new unexpected, incredible adventures!