I'll be honest... parts of today have been pretty hard. More hard emotionally than physically. Most times I'm fine and tend to be positive, but if I'm to be completely transparent, there's also the occasional times where I'm flooded with awful feelings of defeat and negativity. Where it's all I can do to just get dressed bc my mind is so blown with crazy emotions that battle on and on. Moments where I feel like a freak, a science experiment that is sure to be ongoing. I can feel like I'm alone, different, broken, exhausted and a burden. Pretty soon after, I'm just plain angry at myself for wallowing in the trap of self pity in the first place! So frustrating. I know that I'm blessed, that there are many others that have it way worse, that at these times I'm just letting the dark thoughts take over. I must be still. I must start over. What is real? What is true? I must quiet my head, my soul.
“Jesus lost all his glory so that we could be clothed in it. He was shut out so we could get access. He was bound, nailed, so that we could be free. He was cast out so we could approach. And Jesus took away the only kind of suffering that can really destroy you: that is being cast away from God. He took so that now all suffering that comes into your life will only make you great. A lump of coal under pressure becomes a diamond. And the suffering of a person in Christ only turns you into somebody gorgeous.”
—Tim Keller | Walking with God through Pain and Suffering
We will all experience pain and suffering. I think that's something I need to remember too. It's OK to be a mess and cry sometimes. It's OK to let people in who love and care for me. I can be genuine with my kids and let them in too... let them see how I navigate through. I want them to see me for who I am. There will be good days and bad days. But ultimately my Savior knows my pain and He has promised to never leave me and to carry me through. Thank God for truth, for people who love me no matter what kind of day I'm having or how scarred I am, and for my health and ability to care for my loved ones.
I wrote this mostly so that I could look back on it when I have another bad day, but I'm going to publish it just in case I can be a friend to someone else who's stuck in a bad moment, a lonely dark corner. You are not alone and The Lord hears your every prayer... even the whispers... even the unspoken. Let's be refined together.