Monday, July 7, 2014


 Tomorrow night I'll be trying my hardest to fall asleep, knowing that in the morning I'll be undergoing a very tough, life changing surgery. I'm soaking in every moment with kids and husband. I'm enjoying every embrace knowing that very soon they'll have to be very distant. I'm a hugger. Not to sound weird, but I give "real" hugs. That's just how I was raised and I think you can't get any better than a good solid hug from a loved one. It's going to be really hard. It's going to be hard not to be able to hold my "baby". When he asks, I hold him. Maybe that's spoiling him, but I know all too well that the days where your kids ask to be held are so fleeting. And is there even a such thing as loving your kid too much? I think not. I'm going to have to let people do things for me that are "uncomfortable". I wont be able to shower myself, do laundry, brush my hair... the list goes on and I can't even tell you how easy it is for me to dwell on those "ugly" parts. But in all these emotions I have building up to such a big uncomfortable unknown, there's this blanket of peace I have felt as of just a couple days ago. It may be a thin one, but its there. All the prayers that have been said, the planning and care that my husband and my sister in law (Danna's really MY sister) have worked so hard at organizing, the cleaning, repairing, and major organizing of my house that was done in secret by my family (Mom, Dad, Nena, Erica, Eric, Josie) have all made me realize how truly blessed and cared for I am. This part has been so good for my soul. My body is just a body, and I try to take care of it because I kind of need it to be a good wife, sister, mom, auntie, etc., but in the end, what I treasure most right now are all the things that are hardest to put in words. The moments that come with chills, big fat smiles, tears of joy, and an overwhelming feeling that God is doing something and using people in my life. I want to live. I want to know. I want to be proactive.

Wednesday, July 9th at 7:30am I will be at Johns Hopkins Hospital to undergo a prophylactic double mastectomy. Don't google it. Just know its a preventative double mastectomy because I don't want cancer and I'm at high risk due to some stupid genetic mutation (BRCA2). I posted more about this a few months back. I'm going to try to keep up with this blog when I can because it may be a good distraction for me as soon as I am able to type. I want to thank everyone who's thought of me, prayed for me, PM'd me questions and advice and shown care and concern for me. I'm so grateful beyond words. I know I am not the only one to experience this. In fact, there are many that have had cancer and didn't have the opportunity to attempt to prevent breast cancer at all. I'm grateful that I had the chance to toil over what decision I would make to be preventative when it comes to cancer. I'm glad that my eyes are opened and that modern medicine is giving me head start. I do not feel bad for myself, but I'm sobered by the reality of what I'm about to step into.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." (Matthew 6:25-7:29)

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